when he was hungry he used to go to KFC and lick other people’s fingers.
No, I let him sleep in…
…is a way to get two people so close to each other that they can’t see what’s wrong with them!
is someone who knows more and more about less and less
until she knows absolutely everything about nothing…
When I am born I am black
When I grow up I am black
When I am sick I am black
When I go out in the sun I am black
When I am cold I am black
When I am scared I am black
When I die I am black
But you
When you are born you are pink
When you grow up you are white
When you are sick you are green
When you go out in the sun you are red
When you are cold you are blue
When you are scared you are yellow
When you die you are purple
And you have the cheek to call me coloured!
Why do you want me to do that?
Well, mum said that when Grandpa croaks we can all go to Disneyland!
Conditioner label says “increases full body shape”
Dishwashing liquid label says “removes fat in hard places”
… for you, it’s the truth!
What do you get if you cross a merino sheep and a kangaroo?
A wooly jumper!
My accountant was advised to invest in coffee beans – now he’s a bean counter.
My jokes were so bad they told me to sit down.
I put all my bills through the paper shredder – no more to pay!
now I understand why some animals kill their young.
I couldn’t stand a woman telling me where to go and how to get there…
A woman complains that she and her husband have no conversation whatsoever during meal times.
The marriage counsellor asks:
“Do you recall when this all started?”
The woman replies as a matter of course:
“Oh yes, it started when I told him not to eat with his mouth full…”
my gorilla suit
I was looking for work and I found an ad in the paper at Taronga Zoo. “No experience required – apply in person”. So I rolled up there the next morning and enquired about the position.
It turns out the famous gorilla at the zoo, the favourite of all the Japanese tourists was off to the vet. They needed someone to don a gorilla suit and stand in the cage so that the many visitors would not be disappointed. I took the job on the spot.
The first day I got my photo taken, the next day I ate too many bananas and the third day I decided to do a bit of exercise. There were some vines in my enclosure and I swang on them real good. So much so that I managed to fly right out of my enclosure and smack into the lion’s den!
He spotted me in no time and started chasing after me. The poor bugger was a bit bored with his daily fare and some gorilla would be a welcome change on his menu. So running out of puff I yelled out in desperation “Help, help can somebody help me!” Then I heard a big voice right behind me saying: “Hey shut up or you’re going to get us both fired!”
If he “smashed” some precious crockery from your mother to claim he is no good at cleaning the dishes, it is worth investing in some elegant plasticware to build up his self-esteem and show him he can be useful in the kitchen.
An Irish man drove his car to the service station concerned his indicators were faulty.
“Hey Patrick, can you check the indicators for me please – I think they’re playing up!”
“OK Sir, put them on.”
The attendant then turns his head to one side and repeats matter-of-fact:
They work.
They don’t work.
They work.
They don’t work.
They work.
They don’t work.
They work.
They don’t work.
is someone who types in the dark by shouting a script to some voice recognition software.
instead I got a raft of measures.
I had to explain I wanted to have dinner with her – not having her for dinner.
You don’t need justice – you need mercy!
They eat snails instead.
I’m sorry to hear that doc, what about if I come back when you’re sober?
From that time on every year was a bumper crop.
A nervous wreck.
we’d better be entertaining…
try missing a couple of mortgage repayments.
At my next appointment he wouldn’t let me up on the couch.
I toss and turn at my desk all day.
At least you can’t call me a quitter.
…some parts are missing.
I have mixed feelings about that…
But I say it’s not a very good one…
He still disappears every few weeks…
She was perfect and I wasn’t…
So I arranged for a burial at sea.
Undeterred I bought her a get well card.
When I picked her up she put the seatbelt around her knees.
I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up my pillow was gone.
